The P.U.L.S.A.R.

Welcome to the Not So Weekly P.U.L.S.A.R.!

This is a way to share what I’ve been reading, watching, exploring, pondering, and more. It’s like a R.E.P.O.R.T., if you’re familiar with that. I just didn’t resonate with that acronym, so I made my own. It stands for Perusing, Unburdening, Learning, Shimmering, Aspiring, and Recommending. You’ll see.

A pulsar is a type of star that emits regular pulses of radiation. It’s the pulsar from the pulsar map that locates our sun’s position in our known corner of the universe. This map is floating beyond our solar system on the Voyager 1 and 2 probes (favorite spacecrafts of mine) so that if any sentient life comes across the probes, they can find us.

Perusing

Books

Some recent challenges in my personal life have me stalled out on audiobooks but I’m maintaining my daily reading streak in my library’s summer reading challenge with the amazing coffee table sized book To Survive on This Shore by Vanessa Fabbre and Jess T Dugan. Each page features a photo of and interview with a trans person over the age of 50, all across America. In this very scary world that sometimes makes me feel like a trans elder at the age of 31, it’s absolutely crucial to remember and honor our genuine elders. I read a few pages a day and sometimes I cry.

TV Shows

We just completed the new season of The Bear, which is one of my favorite depictions of C-PTSD on television. I’m sure I’ve said it before but it’s sooo intense, even beyond the titular character, and yet so life-affirming. It’s SO GOOD, I swear.

I also just finished up Season 1 of Murderbot, the show based on Martha Wells’ book series about the agender, asexual, security robot. It was quite different than the book, in ways that I was fine with. What didn’t work for me was the pacing. Each episode was just under 30 minutes and often didn’t find its rhythm until the very end. Very frustrating. I look forward to the next season as it ought to have my favorite Murderbot character, ART (the transport ship).

Movies

Jaylon and I saw the new Superman at 2pm on a Thursday, the very first showing we could purchase (after rewatching our favorite Superman movies, of course). It wasn’t perfect, but I cried and cried. I could wax poetic on how much I love Clark and Lois and how they influence how I see my own romantic relationship, but that’s a topic for another essay. But I loved it, I fuck with its politics, and we’re going to see it again this weekend (Jaylon NEVER repeats).

Other recent highlights: finally watching To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, a seminal queer text | unexpectedly enjoying F1 and adding a bunch more sports movies to my watchlist | Elio being an ode to the Voyager space probes | rewatching Interview with the Vampire with the lads for our Antonio Banderas-themed summer series.

Other

I may only recently be in my bro-naissance, but I’ve been watching the Tour de France for years. I wake up before 7am and turn it on to start my morning. It’s been on for at least 3 hours already at that point so I catch the final hour or two of racing. It’s such a zen sensory experience for me and I also enjoy the excitement when it ratchets up. What’s funny is that I can barely ride a bike myself, yet I love watching cycling.

Unburdening

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt self-inflicted pressure to be spontaneous with my free time. I refused to schedule things that didn’t need to be scheduled even if that meant I just sat around or worsened my mental health. I thought that this spontaneity was integral to how I saw myself, the person that I wanted to be. Being that I’m now graduated, working only very part time, and on the job market, I have a lot of free time. And since I refused to schedule activities, I was doing a lot of nothing. My therapist suggest I unburden myself of this form of perfectionism and try time blocking.

Basically, I have a selection of thematic categories (Media, Movement, Connection, etc) that each contain more specific activities or tasks. I place either a category or activity on my calendar around my appointments, filling nearly my entire day. I do this the weekend before and adjust it as necessary. I don’t have to stick to the schedule, but it does give me guidance and helps me get stuff done that I often avoid (like physical therapy exercises). It’s been amazing, to be honest. Here’s what it looks like:

Learning

I’ve been learning how to accept emotional support in the actual moment that I need support. Typically, I deal with something on my own and then seek or allow support after the fact, once I’m more composed. Unfortunately, this isn’t very effective for me or the kind of relationships I want to have. It’s excruciating, but I’m practicing.

Shimmering

This section is for glimmers and delights!

I had a prayer plant flower for the first time! I made my partner laugh (he’s very stoic)! I teared up from warm fuzzy feelings! I pet moon jellies at the aquarium! I watched Bug leap 3 feet in the air like a bunny doing binkies! I saw nice things on Tumblr including the following:

Aspiring

I’m aspiring to alternate the PULSAR with the Life Worth Living List. That is my goal and here’s hoping it’s a reasonable one!

I’m also taking further steps on my journey away from constant dissociation from my emotions in order to cope and towards feeling my feelings. As I come down off of my anti-depressant, I am having more feelings like all the time. I want to keep having these feelings rather than pack them back up to make things easier. So I’m going to learn how to cope with being up and down (not to extremes) a time or two in one day. It’s all rather exciting.

Recommending

I subscribe to this newsletter of a podcast I don’t listen to (lol) - the Infophile, as I really like the resources they share. She shared an article this week on the Six Points of Connection We All Need. I definitely don’t get all 6 personally, as I am unfortunately quite isolated. But the article has some ideas for how one can seek connection.

I also want to recommend the Crab Museum in Bristol. They rose to virality in April when they took on the horrific anti-trans supreme court ruling in the UK - read about that here. That was a few months ago now (but I am extremely in the camp of ‘no news is urgent unless you need to know it to protect your immediate safety’ so “old” news is still good news to me!) but also their instagram account is a lot of fun and they are staunchly pro-Palestine as well. Also also, I am a big fan of crabs.

That’s all from my little region of our shared galaxy for now. Please feel free to share your own PULSAR or any of the letters in the comments! I welcome your thoughts & check ins.

Keep on keepin’ on ❤️‍🔥

Kat