The Life Worth Living List

Content warning: this post discusses suicidal ideation.

On the origin of the LWLL:

I have been dealing with some health issues that are (hopefully) temporarily affecting my quality of life on the day to day. This is its own challenge to manage symptoms, of course, but it also brings up my internalized ableism. If I can’t do this and I can’t do that and I have to lie down all the time and watch while the people around me go do all the things I wish I could do…is my life worth living?

The answer is yes, of course, as every life can be worth living in the eye of the beholder and all that. My life doesn’t inherently suck just because it looks different than others’. It sucks because of the envy I have for those other lives. It sucks because of the ableism that leads others to look at my life and judge it lesser or incomplete, leading me to do the same.

My life is worth living because there are moments of beauty and wonder and joy and pleasure in between and around the dissatisfaction, the pain, and the grief. My life is worth living because I have a lot to offer those around me. My life is worth living because I am alive. My life is worth living because…

1. That feeling when your eyes are full of tears and that first blink when they start to spill over. Whether it’s a sad emotion or a happy one, that sensation is so tender.

2. The relief of when a pain that was bothering you fades away. Maybe you finally took that ibuprofen for your headache. Maybe things are just changing over time. But that momentary relief of suffering is like releasing a long-held breath.

3. When people surprise you. Someone you expected to be upset with you isn’t. Someone you were afraid to confess something to out of shame responds with love and support. Someone you thought wouldn’t support you is open-minded.

4. Cold water. Chugging it and not getting a brain freeze. As they say in tv commercials, “ah.”

5. When a plant has a really big leaf. Maybe a houseplant that’s responding to your care. Or a tree on your walking path. But, like, a really big leaf, that’s good.

6. Soothing background noise from an unexpected source. For me, that’s Star Trek background sounds of being on a spaceship. The beeps and boops of the computers and the white noise supposed to indicate ‘traveling through space.’

7. Tulips. It’s not the season right now for them but I’m thinking of them all the same. Actually, there’s a very good reason why the header image for this series is tulips. In college when I was very suicidal, I found myself hanging on to the tulips that popped up in the spring around campus. I’d stop and smell them and they became my anchor for staying.